July 16, 2012

Blogging and Wisdom

My fingers begin to type away as the words roll off my heart.  So much stored there, so much waiting for a voice.  My thoughts go to Mary and how the scripture says, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19)  And I wonder if maybe it was all too much for her, if she just couldn't take in the many wondrous things God was doing in her life, so she treasured them up for later, for a time when she could leisurely savor and reflect on them.

There have been times in my journey where I haven't written at all.  Not on a blog and not even in my private, personal journal.  The task of recording my heart was just too enormous, too difficult.  I couldn't do it.  Sometimes it was too beautiful for words, other times, more than painful to describe, and many times, the words just wouldn't come.  Often I whispered a prayer, "Jesus, help me remember all I'm feeling, learning and experiencing right now.  Help me to treasure these things in my heart for a different season, another time, when writing doesn't feel so immensely difficult and I'm in a better place."

And now, here I am in a different season and a better place and I'm writing once again.  The words come easy and I'm putting them on the Internet in the form of a blog.   I feel drawn to it and know with confidence that God is in it, but I feel quite ambivalent about it as well.  It feels so naked, so raw, so incredibly vulnerable and I question the wisdom of it.  Does it really make sense to publish my thoughts, the intricacies and intimacies of my soul, on the world wide web for anyone and everyone to read?

There are people I've shared my heart with over the years who have not handled it well.  My confidence has been betrayed time and again.  There are those I wouldn't share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, let alone tell them where we're going on vacation or even what we had for dinner last night.  Yet, here I am, pouring out my heart in a blog for them and the entire world to read if they so desire.  Is it wise?

Words comes to mind and a post begins to take shape, but I stop myself thinking, "I can't write about that on the Internet!"  And I hold back.  I choose not to write or I write about a subject that's safer and less vulnerable and it makes me wonder if my writing is really what it could or should be.  I edit my heart instead of just letting it be which is the very thing God is calling me to... just being.  It's what my blog is all about.

So I'm praying and listening and staying in the questions.  I'm waiting and trusting and knowing God will continue to speak.  I'm not hiding and running.  I haven't hit delete... at least not yet. (smile) I'm still writing and wrestling and somehow, slowly but surely, finding my voice in the whole glorious mess.




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