August 5, 2012

Restless and Wrestling

It's three o'clock in the morning.  I wake from a dream I can't remember and instantly feel the crushing weight of reality on my chest.  A thousand and one different concerns race chaotically through my mind.  I'm restless for the future and wrestling with the present.  Life has not gone the way I thought it would or had hoped it might and when I'm honest about that, when the truth of my journey... where I am, where I've been and where it looks like I'm headed... rushes unrestrained to the surface, I come undone.

I lay in bed for a while and try to go back to sleep but my mind won't stop churning.  My head hurts and I want to run and hide to escape the pain and quiet the noise.  In the mounting stress, I'm tempted to devise a plan to take control and arrange for the life I want.  Anything to dull the ache and bring relief.  I can't do strength and hope and faith anymore.  I just don't have it in me.

photo credits:

Normally, most of the time, I'm incredibly resilient and live with a courage that surprises even me.  I can take a punch, many in fact, and still stand strong.  My husband says I have the balls (forgive the expression) that most men would envy, but that's not true right now, not in this moment.  I stumble out of bed and grab my robe and quietly head downstairs.  I sit in the darkness and pray.  I search the Internet looking for something, though I'm not sure what it is.

My brave and loving husband comes looking for me in the dark and patiently listens and holds me while I rant and rave, cry and laugh, question and wrestle, struggle and search.  The crazy hits and I'm a mess.  As he wraps his arms around me, I feel the arms of Jesus holding me tight as well and I sense him saying, "It's okay.  You can beat on my chest.  I know and understand your ache and longing.  Let it out.  Let it come.  I can handle your heart."

And after I've said my piece in a way that hardly makes sense but brings release and a soothing sense of calm, I hear the words I've been hearing for some time now...






And I know that I can have answers or I can have Jesus and all I really want...

all I've ever really wanted...

is Jesus.

"I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord;  be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  
~Psalm 27:13-14


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