October 31, 2012

Am I Enough?: Part Three

"Am I enough?"

... is the question God began to ask me years ago when my heart fell apart at the seams and some very deep, long-buried, never-dealt-with wounds rushed to the forefront of my life and slammed on the brakes.  I couldn't run.  I couldn't hide.  I couldn't take those wounds and sweep them under the rug any longer.  I couldn't box them up neatly and tuck them away on a shelf for another time.  The time was now and God was calling me.

"Am I enough for you?"

...he asked and wanting to be the faithful and trusting christian woman, I was quick to reply without fully considering the question and what its answer might cost me.  "Yes, Jesus.  Of course you are enough for me."  But it's one thing to say that God is enough and it's an entirely different thing to live it.

My trite, hasty answer just wouldn't do and God wouldn't leave me alone with the question.  It continued to play through my heart and mind...

"Do you truly believe, to your very core, that I am enough for you?  And if so, are you willing to live that out like never before?  If the life you've known up till now were to be turned upside down and nothing was safe or secure, would you find your safety and security in me?  If the roots you have known since birth were torn out from under you, would you graft yourself to me and trust me to sustain you?  If you lost everything, would you find your life in me and me alone?  Would I be enough?"

And I knew, deep in my heart, that long and treacherous paths were ahead and as much as I wanted to rush through them and get to the healing on the other side, there was a journey I had to take.  God was lovingly, but without force, inviting me to take that journey with him.  His kindness and patience were staggering.  He gave me the time and space I needed to wrestle, to grieve, to welcome the uncovering of my wounds and come to a place where I was ready to face them.

More than anything, I wanted God and I wanted to be a woman who walked with him... whatever that looked like, whatever that might cost.  I knew, to my very core, that regardless of what might come, I would find him to be enough.

My journey towards healing did indeed prove to be long and treacherous and much of what Jesus had warned me of came to be.  My life was turned upside down, very little was safe or secure, and the roots that had sustained me for most of my years were torn away.  Practically everything that had defined me, the safe and familiar and comfortable, was lost.

But I found Jesus to be enough... much, much more than enough.

He was.

He is.

He will always be.

photo credit: heythingschange.com

"All of you is more than enough for all of me,
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with your love,
And all I have in you is more than enough." 
~from the song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin

“But then I will win her back once again.  I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.  I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.  She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young.  And when that day comes,” says the Lord, "she will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’  I will make her mine forever, showing her righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.  I will be faithful to her and make her mine, and she will finally know me as the Lord."  ~Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20


October 15, 2012

More of Enough: Part Two

This song by Tim Hughes continually played through my mind this morning as I quietly went about the folding of laundry, the making of beds, and the doing of dishes.

photo credit: www.nsf.gov

At some point, I realized it was a gift to my heart from Jesus, words I needed to cling to and breathe life from, so I let the song play through the stereo loudly on repeat... the beautiful lyrics filling every room of our home, time and again.

In my last post, I wrote about God being enough... about having all that I need and more than enough in him.  It's a consistent, continual theme of my journey... truth that God calls me to and reminds me of on a daily basis.  And if I rest in it, stay in it... it keeps me focused, grounded, and rooted in him.

God is enough.  He is more than enough.  He is all that I need... all that I am.  He is in everything.  He is everything.



October 11, 2012

Enough: Part One

It's early morning and I'm snuggled under a blanket by the fireplace with a once steaming cup of coffee in hand that has now grown cold and nearly empty.  Time to make more coffee.

The house is quiet, at least for a few minutes more, until my children wake and our day begins.

I sit in the silence... resting, praying, listening, and reflecting.  I sense the nearness of Christ... his love, favor, and delight as these few, simple words roll around on the edges of my heart...

"I have all that I need.  I have more than enough in God."

Whatever this day may bring... whether it's joy and laughter, ease and rest... or heartache and tears, stress and suffering,  I do have all that I need in Jesus.  He is enough.  He is more than enough.

"Come into my day, Lord.  Fill it with your life and light.  Be all that I need.  Be all that I am.  I give myself over to you in every way to live your life.  You are enough for me... enough for whatever this day may hold.  And if and when the crazy hits, may I keep those words close to my heart, whisper them aloud, and remember... you are all that I need, you are more than enough."

photo credit: flickriver.com

October 5, 2012

A Life of Faith

My son pulled out our old photo albums this morning during breakfast.  Amongst scattered dishes, scrambled eggs, and lunches being packed, we looked through pictures of years gone past and laughed at photos of a little boy being silly and a little girl dressing up like a princess.  We played the game of remember when and we marveled at all the years have held for our family.

After the dishes were cleared, the last lunch was packed, and my children were off to school, I sat in our very quiet house and thumbed through the albums by myself.  I smiled.  I laughed.  I cried a few tears.  And as I opened an album from ten years ago, I read a quote I had written on the very first page...

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led.  But, it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading.  It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason... a life of knowing Him who calls us to go." ~Oswald Chambers

Ten years ago, God called our family to go.  What that really meant at the time was a mystery to us, but we knew we were being led and more than anything, we wanted to love and know more deeply the One who was leading us, so we went.

In the time since, our journey has been full of twists and turns, highs and lows, and in looking back, I'm amazed and in awe of all we've experienced.  We moved three times in three years and they were big moves, not just-around-the-corner moves.  Our children have been in seven different schools in ten years time.  We left a company, started a company, lost that company, and started with a new company.  We've said good-bye to many friends, made some new ones, and lost a few as well.  We've had financial issues to work through, marital struggles to heal from, and we've known more heartache, betrayal, and loss than we ever thought we could possibly endure.

We have certainly not lived a journey of understanding and reason.  Far, far from it.  But we have lived a life of faith and we have come to know and love, more deeply than ever, the One... the only One, who called us to go and who calls us even still.

And that has made the journey worth every single moment.

"I will lead the blind by a way they do not know.  In paths they do not know, I will guide them.  I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains.  
These are the things I will do and I will not leave them undone."
 ~Isaiah 42:16

"I will teach you and guide you in the way you should go.  I will counsel you and watch over you."
~Psalm 32:8


October 2, 2012

And He Asked Me to Dance

We've finished our supper of steak and mashed potatoes and we're cleaning up the dishes and everyone is talking at the same time.   Music is playing on the stereo and it drifts through the air like a fresh, invigorating breeze.  A spiced pumpkin candle burns slowly on the stove casting a warm glow around the room, making our home smell sweet and feel cozy.  There is much laughter and fast talking and a bit of good-natured arguing over who has done the most dishes, who did more last night, and who needs to do the rest.  We, the parents, decide the kids should finish the job since it's good for them to help, to work a little.  And, like the fabulous parents that we are, we tell them this with smiles and a chuckle but they don't find it very funny.  Well, maybe just a little.

He's being goofy and he looks adorable in his slouchy khaki cargo pants with his ball cap on.  He starts swaying his hips to the music and dancing around the kitchen and the kids beg, "Dad. Please. No."  But he ignores them and takes me in his arms and tells me to put down the sponge and let the kids get the rest.  "Come on! Dance with me!" he says as he leads me over to the rug.  He wraps his strong arms around me and holds me close, then quickly releases me and twirls me about.  He's silly and crazy and playful and he swings his hips in a way that makes me throw my head back in laughter.  He kisses me and I kiss him back and we're moving together to the music, enjoying each other, and living in a taste-of-what-heaven-will-be-like moment.

We're young and in love, though not really that young, and it's wonderful to be held, to laugh, to celebrate nothing, yet absolutely everything, and to share life together.

Me and my dance partner...

"And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon. 
 The moon, the moon, they danced by the light of the moon." 
~ from "The Owl and The Pussycat" by Edward Lear

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