October 31, 2012

Am I Enough?: Part Three

"Am I enough?"

... is the question God began to ask me years ago when my heart fell apart at the seams and some very deep, long-buried, never-dealt-with wounds rushed to the forefront of my life and slammed on the brakes.  I couldn't run.  I couldn't hide.  I couldn't take those wounds and sweep them under the rug any longer.  I couldn't box them up neatly and tuck them away on a shelf for another time.  The time was now and God was calling me.

"Am I enough for you?"

...he asked and wanting to be the faithful and trusting christian woman, I was quick to reply without fully considering the question and what its answer might cost me.  "Yes, Jesus.  Of course you are enough for me."  But it's one thing to say that God is enough and it's an entirely different thing to live it.

My trite, hasty answer just wouldn't do and God wouldn't leave me alone with the question.  It continued to play through my heart and mind...

"Do you truly believe, to your very core, that I am enough for you?  And if so, are you willing to live that out like never before?  If the life you've known up till now were to be turned upside down and nothing was safe or secure, would you find your safety and security in me?  If the roots you have known since birth were torn out from under you, would you graft yourself to me and trust me to sustain you?  If you lost everything, would you find your life in me and me alone?  Would I be enough?"

And I knew, deep in my heart, that long and treacherous paths were ahead and as much as I wanted to rush through them and get to the healing on the other side, there was a journey I had to take.  God was lovingly, but without force, inviting me to take that journey with him.  His kindness and patience were staggering.  He gave me the time and space I needed to wrestle, to grieve, to welcome the uncovering of my wounds and come to a place where I was ready to face them.

More than anything, I wanted God and I wanted to be a woman who walked with him... whatever that looked like, whatever that might cost.  I knew, to my very core, that regardless of what might come, I would find him to be enough.

My journey towards healing did indeed prove to be long and treacherous and much of what Jesus had warned me of came to be.  My life was turned upside down, very little was safe or secure, and the roots that had sustained me for most of my years were torn away.  Practically everything that had defined me, the safe and familiar and comfortable, was lost.

But I found Jesus to be enough... much, much more than enough.

He was.

He is.

He will always be.

photo credit: heythingschange.com

"All of you is more than enough for all of me,
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with your love,
And all I have in you is more than enough." 
~from the song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin


“But then I will win her back once again.  I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.  I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.  She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young.  And when that day comes,” says the Lord, "she will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’  I will make her mine forever, showing her righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.  I will be faithful to her and make her mine, and she will finally know me as the Lord."  ~Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20

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